Guest Post
Hi everyone! I'm Dan, and I'm the author of
http://www.improveyoursocialskills.com.
I was diagnosed with Asperger's ten years ago, and I've spent the years since
my diagnosis studying social skills so I can overcome the challenges of
Asperger's.
I wrote this blog post to share the most important rule I
learned for learning social skills with Asperger's syndrome. I've addressed
this post to readers who have Asperger's themselves, but these tips can just as
easily be used to help a loved one who has Asperger's.
The most important rule I've discovered is this: Learn
social skills by understanding the reasons behind them, not through rote
memorization.
The Problem With Rote
Memorization
The most natural way that people with Asperger's learn
social skills is through rote memorization. We learn a specific response that
works for a specific situation, and so when that situation occurs, we deploy
that response.
For instance, we learn through trial and error that if
someone tells us their name, we should tell them our name in return or they
will be upset. Easy enough.
But if the situation changes, our memorized response doesn't
help us. Let's say Bob introduces Joe to us. Do we tell Joe our name, or is
that Bob's job? We memorized what to do in one specific situation, but when the
situation changes we are out of luck.
Of course, rote memorization is better than nothing. But
there's a better way.
Learning To Understand
Instead of memorizing specific responses to specific
situations, learn to understand the reasons behind a social situation.
Train yourself to think through what other people expect from a situation, and
ponder how you can help meet the expectations of others and make the
interaction more positive.
When you learn to think through the reasons behind a social
situation, you can use that knowledge to derive the correct response to the
situation--even if you have no rote response memorized. All you need to do is
ponder your understanding of what people expect from a situation, and then
respond in a way that matches their expectations.
For instance, let’s dig deeper into introductions. What
positive results do people expect from an introduction?
The obvious result is that an introduction allows people to
share the data of what everyone's names are, but there's more than that. Some
other desired results of an introduction might be:
-The sharing of relevant information about the people being
introduced (for instance "Hi, I'm Dan, and I'm a friend of Bob’s)
- Giving everyone the chance to speak so they feel included.
-Creating a socially acceptable way to start a conversation
from scratch
-Allows people to get a feel for each other before the conversation
begins in earnest.
When we know the results that people expect from an
introduction, we can use this knowledge to guide our actions.
For instance, if we see that one desired result of an
introduction is to give everyone the chance to speak, we know that we shouldn't
start telling a long story until everyone has been introduced.
If we see that introductions create a socially acceptable
way to start a conversation, we know that if someone introduces themselves to
us, they are trying to start a conversation and we should respond
appropriately.
This concept applies to all situation situations, not just
introductions. When we learn the desired results that people expect from a
social situation, we can choose responses that help achieve the desired results
for that situation. All you need to do is take a moment to think through
the reasons behind a situation, and you can deduce what you should be doing in
that situation.
By learning to understand the reasons behind a situation, we
can free ourselves from the massive list of rote responses, and have a much
greater ability to handle whatever social situation we find ourselves in. It
really is that simple, and it really is that powerful.
Practical Applications
I'll close with a few pieces of advice for how to apply this
rule to your own lives.
First, please realize that you will not be able to
create a comprehensive list of every desired result that people expect from an
interaction, especially at first. But you should be able to think up at least a
few, and you can ask friends and family to help you uncover more. You will also
naturally discover more desired results of a given social situation simply by observing people
in that social situation. So as time goes by, your understanding of social
situations will grow more and more.
Second, if you are still having trouble understanding
this idea, there is a metaphor that might help. Picture a classroom. The
desired result of the classroom is for students to learn. A teacher has two
options for trying to achieve this result. He can either make a lengthy list of
rules--no talking in class, no chewing gum, raise your hand if you have a
question, etc. Or, he can teach the students to think "If I do this
action, will it disrupt the other students from learning?"
The lengthy list of rules is similar to the rote
memorization. The problem with it is that it's impossible to make a rule that
forbids every negative thing a student might do, and it's also no fun for
students to have to memorize a huge list. The better option is for students to
understand that their goal is to be non-disruptive, so they can think for
themselves, and realize when a potential action would disrupt the classroom.
Third, if you need another example of understanding
the reasons behind an interaction, take a look at my guide on
how to make
conversation. I explain the reasons behind conversation, and show you how
you can use those reasons to guide your responses.
Finally, remember that like everything, this is a
skill that grows with practice. If you learn to understand the reasons, you
will not magically become a social superstar. It will take time, practice, and
hard work for you to learn social skills in this way.
But it will take considerably more time, practice and hard
work if you learn through rote memorization, and you will have much less
success overall. When you learn to understand the reasons behind social
situations and train yourself to react accordingly, you will dramatically
multiply the benefit you receive from studying social skills. And as you
continue to study social skills and grow in your understanding of social
situations, you will find yourself increasingly able to thrive in social
situations and build the deep, intimate relationships that you deserve.
That's not magic. But it's incredibly powerful, and it's
something you can start today. Good luck!
